The art of bad lubrication: How to make your machines hate you

So, you've decided that your equipment needs a lubrication program. Congratulations! Get ready for a wild ride of fun and excitement as you navigate the thrilling world of grease, oil, and maintenance schedules. Here's a handy guide to help you on your fantastic journey to lubrication program success.

First things first, ignore all those boring industry standards and best practices. Who needs 'em, right? Just grab the nearest bottle of oil and start slathering it on everything that moves. More is always better, so don't be shy with that grease gun. The best thing you can do for your equipment is to hand the “noobs” a grease gun and turn them loose, creating thousands of defects in all of your equipment. 

Next, make sure to completely overlook any sort of training or education for your maintenance team. They'll figure it out as they go along. After all, how hard can it be to lubricate equipment? It's just like putting sunscreen on at the beach, right?

Now, when it comes to selecting lubricants, always go for the cheapest option. Quality is overrated, and your equipment won't mind a bit of low-grade sludge. Besides, who wants to spend all that money on fancy oils when you could be investing in more important things, like office snacks?

When it comes to scheduling lubrication tasks, just do it whenever you feel like it. Who needs a consistent schedule? Your equipment will appreciate the element of surprise. Plus, it keeps your maintenance team on their toes.

Oh, and don't bother with any sort of documentation or record-keeping. That stuff is for nerds. Just trust your memory to keep track of when you last lubricated each piece of equipment. What could possibly go wrong?

As your lubrication program evolves, be sure to never, ever ask for feedback from your maintenance team. Their opinions are irrelevant. Just keep doing things your way, no matter how much they complain.

Oh, and the joys of managing oil in your lubrication practices while also considering the environment. It's like walking a tightrope, except the tightrope is made of oil-soaked rags and the safety net is a bunch of angry environmentalists. But fear not, brave maintenance warrior, for I am here to guide you through this treacherous terrain.

Remember to ignore all those pesky environmental regulations and guidelines. Who needs clean air and water anyway? Just dump your used oil wherever is most convenient. Storm drain? Sure, why not? Nature will figure it out, it came out of the ground, didn’t it?

When it comes to selecting lubricants, always go for the most toxic option available. Forget about biodegradability and eco-friendliness. You want your lubricants to be as harmful to the environment as possible. After all, what's a little pollution between friends?

When handling and storing oil, be sure to be as careless as possible. Spills happen, right? Just leave them for someone else to clean up. And who needs proper containment measures? That is also what the ground is for.

When disposing of used oil, make sure to do so in the most irresponsible way possible. Pour it down the drain, bury it in the backyard, whatever works for you, just make sure it's as damaging to the environment as possible.

And finally, always remember to blame the equipment when things go wrong. It couldn't possibly be your fault for neglecting proper lubrication practices. Nope, it's definitely the fault of those pesky machines.

So there you have it, a foolproof guide to setting up an excellent lubrication program. Follow these steps, and you'll be well on your way to... well, probably a lot of equipment failures, costly repairs, probably a hefty fine from the EPA and a tarnished reputation. But hey, at least you'll have saved a few bucks in the short term and you'll have a good story to tell at the next maintenance conference!