3. Blowing the budget. Just like its counterpart blowing the schedule, blowing the budget is pretty straight-forward. If you were approved for $1 million, then spend $2 million. If you are still budgeting for the project, only ask for half of what you need. I am sure that by doing this you will probably never work again. This is pretty exciting for those that are looking to get out of work.
4. Blame and fake outrage. Debatably the greatest advancement within human existence is blame. We seem to get better and better at it as we advance through the ages.
It used to be that when mistakes were made, it was right to own up to those mistakes and work to make it better. It used to be that when you were a poor performer, you would be terminated from employment. This would incentivize you to give your all and take pride in your work. It used to be that you were held accountable to specific tasks and to certain conduct.
Why do I mention these things? Because this is no longer the case. Now it is dire that you become a master of blame and fake outrage. Did you just get caught embezzling money? Not to worry, just go on a rant about discrimination. Did you miss your budget or target? No worries, just accuse them of doing the same thing and not getting in trouble for it. Equipment does not perform how you promised? No worries, just blame it on operator incompetence.
Becoming a master at blame and fake outrage is a great way to get people off your back all the while being allowed to fail at your job. The great news is that you will still get paid no matter what!
5. Doing it right. Doing a project right is almost unheard of. This rare creature normally gets shot down in the budget review meeting. Why, you ask? Normally because of the upfront cost of doing the project right. Most organizations do not see the value in that and would rather pay 10 to 40 times more over the life of the asset.
Every time you propose doing a project right you will lose a little credibility in the eyes of the incompetents above you. As you continue to lose that credibility, fewer and fewer projects will get thrown your way. This is a great way to get out of having to do work while still collecting a paycheck.
I hope that these 5 tips will help ease the stress of having to do some work while you still have a job and are still getting paid. Remember, in today’s societal advancement, right and wrong are a matter of opinion, so use this to your advantage!
About the Author: The Captain
Captain Unreliability is a satire of the state of the manufacturing industry in ’Merica today and is written by an industry professional known for using humor to get the point across. Stay tuned for more useless advice, and if you have topics you’d like to see covered or questions you’d like The Captain to weigh in on, contact The Captain directly at [email protected] or follow on Twitter @CUnreliability. Also, consider becoming Unreliable today by getting your Captain t-shirt at https://reliabilityx.com/product-category/gear.
